When I was a child, I was terrified of amusement parks. And sports. And bullies. And cool people. And people I didn’t know. And horror movies. And failure. And ….
Okay, so it would be a shorter list if I just named things I wasn’t terrified of … But the relevant point here is: I was really, really scared to go on roller coasters. I remember being at
Upon realizing this, I began to offer up a plethora of reasons as to why it would be a good idea if we forgot about Space Mountain and went on Pirates of the Caribbean, or the PeopleMover, or even (*gasp*) It’s a small world. I was desperate, and I even tried pulling tears ... But my dad wasn’t having any of it. We had waited about 30 minutes up to that point, and he was determined not to allow the time to be wasted. And if I know my own father, I think he may have also been trying to teach me a lesson. I don’t remember what the lesson was, but the fact that I spent the entire ride with my watery eyes squeezed shut and buried in his shoulder leads me to believe it was something along the lines of: “You need to suffer. I am here to ensure this happens.”
However as time passed, my older sister (who had overcome a similar fear of roller coasters in her teenage years) told me a secret that would forever unlock the gates of amusement park coolness for me. Her words of wisdom: “You just have to do it. Other people go on those rides and survive, so you can too.”
Soon after, I put her theory to the test, and low and behold, I’m still here! Roller coasters still kind of freak me out, but I’ve come to realize that’s part of the experience. While I’m waiting in line for the ride, I’m actually in a mild state of panic. I hide it well though – The only signs are: Nervous laughter, staring silently at the floor, and asinine chatter about things that no one on earth gives a shit about.
Okay, so based on that criteria, I’m normally in a mild state of panic anyway, but that’s beside the point. Even though I’m no longer in puberty, roller coasters STILL elevate my adrenaline, which is what they’re meant to do. So in some ways, I’m an ideal roller coaster rider. And if you like roller coasters,
I grew up in the west, and as such I really didn’t know much about
Shrine readers may recognize Sean and Kristi from my STOP THIEF board game review. The newest member to the nerd team is Heather (right) who is far from a nerd, but still a welcome addition to the shrine crew, as she is oft an instigator of amusing shenanigans which involve making a jackass out of herself whether she means to or not.
The first ride we found ourselves in front of was “Thunder Run”, a sort of ‘junior’ roller coaster that loosely resembles “Thunder Mountain Railroad” at
However, even with this obvious drawback, this is still a pretty fun ride. Roller Coasters in the dark can be somewhat freaky. You know you’re moving fast, but you don’t know which direction you’re about to be jolted in, and it’s LOUD in there – Especially when Kristi is screaming non stop the whole way.
Next up for us was the ‘Dragon Fire”, A marginally thrilling ride that consists of a steel double-loop, a double-corkscrew, and finishes with a downwards helix. I have no idea what that sentence means, because I copied it directly from Wikipedia. Let me put it into layman’s terms for you: It looks kind of impressive, and it’s the kind of ride that you’d brag to your friends about if you were 12 or under. The problem here is that it’s over quickly and it doesn’t really do anything spectacular by today’s standards. Riding this ride is like getting wasted at a party and banging an ugly chick: It’s somewhat fun, but when it’s over you wonder why you’ve wasted your time, and you’re sure you can do better.
On the positive side, the lineup for this ride is so short that some hard-core riders hit it several times in a row just before the park closes. I guess if you take a ride that’s only 1/5th as good as any other, and ride it 5 times … then technically you’ve had ONE WHOLE good ride experience …? Does this make sense to anyone but me?
I didn’t think so. 5/5ths of suckage is still suckage. It sucked.
However, a true classic awaited just a few steps away: The “Wild Beast” is an accurate name for this coaster – especially if you sit in the back seat as Heather was always inclined to do. For any who aren’t steeped in knowledge of roller coasters, the rear cars usually offer the roughest ride. As each turn ends you get violently snapped to one side as the car straightens out.
But who’s complaining? Not me. This ride is good stuff, and it has a giant line up to prove it. As you can see from the picture, this is one of the old school coasters – so it’s entirely constructed of wood. The ride is so violent that you’d swear you’re seeing splinters and sparks flying off of the carriage as it furiously grinds through the every turn. All kidding aside, you can actually see the entire apparatus rock back and forth as you wait in line! It’s definitely enough to make you think twice about the whole thing, but once you see the elated looks on everyone’s face as the car pulls back into the loading station, you can’t wait for your turn.
At the start of the day Heather had a clever idea. I would sneak my digital camera on every ride and try to get action shots of us whenever we went over the big drops on each of the roller coasters. Of course, the park staff doesn’t look too kindly on this, but I’m not sure it’s as much a safety issue as it is about them trying to charge you exorbitant prices for their own digital photos once the ride’s over. There’s one other drawback; I’ve come to learn that I look like a retarded space alien in *every* picture that I take this way. Seriously. Thank god for the ‘erase’ button on my digital camera.
Next up was “
The whole first part is pretty tame, but as you come around the curve pictured in the photograph, there’s a fucking waterfall that is set to dump about 10 gallons of heavily recycled ride-water on each raft that passes under it. It’s like Russian roulette as the raft spins closer and closer … Who’s going to get it? Me? Kristi? Sean?
Well, it turned out that Heather got the worst of it, but I also shared in soaking up some of that stinky ride juice. I’m not talking about a misting here – You get drenched. It’s all good though – it was pretty fun, and Heather and myself are the type of people who just laugh it off. Besides, we wouldn’t get any extra attention or sympathy from crying about it, because we were so wet that it would have been impossible for anyone to have noticed the tears anyway.
Next up: “The Mighty Canadian Minebuster”. This is another old-school coaster constructed of wood and probably one of the most enjoyable ride experiences in the entire park. There’s something very charming about these old rides – No loops or gimmicks here, just fast, furious fun. But don’t take my word for it, check out this picture of Heather I snapped during the ride: Pure joy and excitement. If this doesn’t sell you on how much fun the Minebuster is, I don’t know what possibly could.
The next one was rather, uh, interesting.
This was the “Vortex” - a groovy model where the carriage travels under the track, and swings out on the curves. It’s also really fucking fast.
We decided to make this our last stop before getting something to eat. As we weaved through the queue, there were numerous signs advertising your ability to purchase a video of your ‘Vortex’ experience after the ride comes to an end. This would be accomplished by way of a small video camera mounted in front of you, and as long as you’re willing to get a third mortgage on your house you could presumably take home this video memento of your ride – so you can relive the experience again and again from the comfort of your home. Hmmm … an interesting idea.
As the carriage pulled in to the loading area, a woman who seemed especially eager to get off the ride caught Heather’s eye. She was gesturing wildly, and motioning to the car in front of her. Needless to say, something was out of the ordinary here, and as they released the shoulder restraints I saw something dripping from the kid who was leaving the ride. As he stood up and sheepishly hurried off, I couldn’t help but notice oddly placed bright orange patches on his otherwise white T-shirt. My first thought was: “Did that moron bring food with him on the ride?”
Once realizing what had happened, the ride attendants began to emit a potent aura of dread that was so strong I’m betting it made all the EMO teens we saw at the park insanely jealous. At first I thought this was just because they were grossed out along with everyone else, but I soon came to see why these poor attendants were even more unhappy than those of us who were just annoyed that we had to wait a little longer for our coaster ride. I don’t know if I’m way out to lunch here, but I expected them to simply switch that car off to a different track, bring out a new one, and continue operating the ride. I imagined that overnight a group of trained professionals in HAZMAT suits would descend upon the soiled vortex carriage, and sterilize it with some kind of nuclear powered top secret government chemicals.
Well, I was wrong. What happened instead? The same two ride attendants that loaded and unloaded passengers on that ride day in and day out, put on some rubber gloves, grabbed a big ol’ bag of CAT LITTER and proceeded to clean the barf up all by themselves. Wow. I wonder if they ask about that when they interview potential staffers?
“Are you friendly? Do you have a cheery disposition? Do you like working outdoors? Have you ever done any public relations work before? Are you good with people? Do you like kids? Do you think you’re the sort of person who would like to work here at
Are you a sick fuck? Click here to see a picture of the actual vomit!!
Those poor ride attendants. I felt so badly for them. Not only did they have to clean that shit up by themselves, they had to do it in front of everyone … including a jackass like me, who’s almost completely incapable of keeping sarcastic comments to myself.
As we waited for them to finish the job, my mind turned to the dumbass punk who caused all of this. I tried to imagine him on the ride, a fresh meal digesting in his stomach. At what point would he be pushed over the edge of nausea? That would’ve been funny to see … too bad I didn’t get it on …. video?
THE VIDEO! Remember how I had mentioned earlier that this ride offered a video keepsake of your “Vortex” experience? Well, I’m betting the suspect didn’t bother to pick his up as he sheepishly fled the crime scene … and since I was very next in line, I shouldn’t have too much trouble getting a good shot at grabbing it before anyone else! Finally I would have a tape that would make the cut at Ebaum’s world! Who knows? Maybe this tape will take the internet by storm, and I’ll be the one responsible for it! At last, the glory I so richly deserve was at hand!!
But alas, the video was not available. For some reason, the place to buy them was all closed up… which sucked immensely. However, all was not lost. I had gained an amusing story to tell, and the four of us learned that it’s best to avoid sitting in any ride seats that had remnants of cat litter within ten feet of them. We even picked up a party tip - The next time your idiotic friend gets wasted and pukes all over your lovely home, just bring out the Cat litter!
The rest of the day was just as fantastic. We doubled back and went on our favorite rides a second time … and there was one more to go that only myself and Sean were brave enough to tackle. Take a look at this daunting mass of twisted metal. GOODNESS GRACIOUS! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
This is TOP GUN, a rather violent experience with a fun ride gimmick tossed in - the type where you sit in a chair and your feet are left hanging beneath you in the open air. In addition to this, the ride is packed with enough twists, turns, and loops to make even a true coaster snob weak in the knees.
Adding to the ride’s general appeal, the queue has displays which feature information about the film, and even the actual
I was in the second row. Click here for a video of the ride!
There were many more rides we went on that day, but I’ll spare you the play by play for each of them. Suffice it to say it’s good stuff.
All in all, it was very fun, and I highly recommend it. The park is clean, safe, and you won’t run out of stuff to do. I came to
Comments? Email me at groomej@hotmail.com
