In 1982 Knight Rider raced onto the airwaves, and was an immediate success. Here was a show that promised to feature hot babes, tons of car stunts, and a cheezy actor wearing a giant belt buckle and skin-tight jeans. But best of all, we got to see a black Trans Am smash into shit again and again and again. As a kid I remember getting extremely excited every time this show was on, and I wasn't alone. It was a sure thing that the next day at school there would be a large volume of KNIGHT RIDER related discussion, and if you hadn't seen it, you were basically stripped to your underwear and tossed into the pricklebushes by the cool kids. Needless to say, I tried not to miss an episode.
I thought taking a close look at the very first episode would be a great way to experience this show again. I wanted to revisit the concepts behind what would become hallmarks of the series - To witness the spawn of Michael Knight, find out what makes him tick, and follow him on his car- themed, crime-solving journey.
Fuck was it ever funny. And ridiculous. And fucking deliciously awesome. Without any further delay, I present you dear readers, with the NERD SHRINE review of:
The first thing the audience sees is the intro to the show, which *does* do a significant job of generating interest - especially to someone from the year 1982. Dark music, mysterious desert setting, car with pulsating red light on the hood ... Play the quicktime to check this out!
We open in Vegas, and we see a young undercover cop doing surveillance in a casino. He looks familiar - He's tall, he's got the inflated hairstyle, and his voice has been badly overdubbed by Hasselhoff. In fact this may be the all time worst overdubbing in the entire history of television and film combined. Anyway, he's Michael Long, and he's apparently been hired by a security company to protect a dipshit corporate executive and his girlfriend Tanya Walker - a blond bombshell who wears so much makeup that she'd have to dunk her head in a vat of nitric acid for a solid month to get it all off.
But Michael isn't just trying to protect the dumbass executive ... It seems he's actually working on a case to bust some big time thieves who steal industrial secrets. After witnessing the stereotypically dramatic death of his partner, Michael and Tanya set off in pursuit of the thieves in his Trans Am. Eventually they end up on some back country road in the middle of the night, and Michael pulls out his gun and spouts a bunch of tough guy dialog that's straight out of a tin can.
Check out the funky lighting in these shots! Michael's face is hidden completely by shadows, which is subtly foreshadowing events which are about to unfold. Despite the cliche 'good guy vs bad guy' dialog, this scene presents a somewhat shocking climax! Tanya double-crosses Michael, and reveals that she is actually in cahoots with the bad guys. To prove her point, she shoots Michael right in the face at point blank range! Ouch!
After the bad guys take off, a helicopter comes from nowhere and rescues Michael. An old man on board the chopper says: "We're too late." Too late for what? What is this guy doing? Just flying a helicopter around looking for people who are about to get shot in the face?
Okay, I need to mention something here. It took me 30 minutes to write these last three paragraphs, and you wanna know why? Because I'm trying my best to explain the asinine plot of this show, and what I've come to realize is this: IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. It is impossible to explain in a way that makes sense, because IT DOESN'T. FUCK IT. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer for a car chase ...
The helicopter arrives at a castle which we soon learn is the estate of Wilton Knight, an aged and dying bazillionaire who has decided to give Michael a second chance at life. Luckily, Michael had a steel plate in his forehead -- apparently from some military surgery years before. The doctor explains that the bullet entered his skull and was deflected off of the steel plate and out through Michael's face - destroying his identity in the process. Mr. Knight has his doctors mold Michael's new face into a likeness of Wilton as a young man, thereby providing himself with a sense of immortality.
So when the bandages come off, goodbye Michael Long, (along with your badly overdubbed voice) and hello Michael Knight ... Who amazingly bares no resemblance at all to someone who supposedly just had their face shot off 3 pages ago. Although Michael only reluctantly accepts his new identity, he seems to do so only for dramatic reasons. There is no mention of Michael Long's parents, wife, girlfriend, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, co-workers or anyone else he ever knew. You'd think ol' Mikey just *might* want to get into contact with any one of these people and say something along the lines of:
"HEY. HOW YOU DOIN? I WAS SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT A RICH GUY PICKED ME UP IN A HELICOPTER AND NOW I'M ALIVE AGAIN. OH YEAH, AND I NOW LOOK LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WITH THE SAME HAIRSTYLE. WHAT'S THAT? ... NO NO, I STILL WEAR A GIANT COWBOY BELT BUCKLE IN EVERY SCENE DON'T WORRY ..."
Still, there's a mythical quality to this scene that I kind of dig. The old man is like an ancient god who resurrects this poor mortal and provides him with weapons (the car) and a quest to go into the world and combat evil. And in the Knight Rider universe, 99% of all crimes can be solved by driving a car, 'turbo boosting' over obstacles, and smashing through walls. Fuck I wish I lived in that world.
While Michael hangs out at the estate and recuperates, he notices a warehouse like building with a bunch of people in lab coats wandering in and out of during all hours of the day and night. He decides to investigate, and finds the warehouse completely dark, except for one well lit spot in the middle of the floor. He goes and stands in the middle of it.
Out of the darkness comes a glowing red light. It begins to pulsate back and forth, and all over the world BattleStar Galactica fans get excited that Glen Larson has decided to bring the Cylons back in a new television series. Although this doesn't turn out to be the case, we are treated to something even more exciting. Michael is about to meet his future best buddy for the very first time.
Michael stares at the light, as though transfixed by it. Suddenly the car surges forward and stops just short of running him down. The door opens and Michael is greeted by Devon, and Wilton Knight who present him with the "Knight Industries Two Thousand ... Or K.I.T.T. for short." As we all know, it's a glossy black 1982 Pontiac Trans Am with a pulsating red light on the hood, and a fancy-ass dashboard that has so much shit on it, its actually still cool 25 years later. Along with the car, they provide Michael with new ID, credit cards and an expense account. You just won the lottery buddy.
After taking the car for a short test drive, Michael returns to the estate and finds Wilton on his deathbed. The old man makes a big speech about how "One man *can* make a difference." and manages to convince Michael to take the car and begin his crime fighting crusade. Interestingly, most of the earlier episodes in the series end with Michael driving through the desert ... the echoes of Wilton's speech playing through his head. "Mykellll .... onnne mannnn cannnnn make a differenceeeee ..... And pleassssse Mykelll .... takke some actttttinggg lessonssssssss."
The rest of this episode sets the stage for the ridiculous plots that the series would bring to television sets around the world every week. The action centers around Knight driving his car, jumping his car, ramming his car, racing his car, talking to his car and doing everything else you can imagine with his car.
The plotlines for these episodes are bad. But they're fun too. This is hardcore 80's television at it's best and brightest folks. --- An intoxicating mixture of low budget production, one dimensional characters and subpar acting. Yet you can not turn away from the screen. Read on as I dissect the rest of this amazingly bad bit of 80's nostalgia ...
