The name should be fairly indicative of what this ride will be like. It involves a roller coaster right? … Well, kind of. On our way into this place I couldn’t help but notice that there was nothing even remotely resembling a roller coaster in the area – So I was betting this was going to be one of those new fangled coasters where you sit in a jiggly chair and watch a MOVIE about going on a coaster. And I was right.
The only other people on the ride were a family of 3 who all sat in the front row. After a lengthy safety demonstration (which I failed to understand – after all WE WERE WATCHING A MOVIE) our cosmic coaster ride finally got under way.
This is almost identical to a ride I went on at
Essentially you ride around in a slow moving car with GHOST BLASTER in hand, firing at little targets as you go. There’s a digital readout mounted on the front of your vehicle, which keeps score. The problem here is that you spend so much time looking for these tiny little bulls-eyes that you aren’t actually able to sit back and enjoy the ride. At least, that’s the way it is for me – because I must defeat all who oppose me in any game that involves blasting things.
Even if I did sit back and look at this stuff, unless I suddenly become a child under the age of ten, I’m not likely to get very excited about a bunch of clichéd looking cardboard ghosts displayed under black light. All this ride does is remind me that I’m too big to be riding rides like this. And since my self esteem is low enough as it is, I don’t need to have hot chicks walking by and seeing my giant nerdy carcass lumbering in and out of a slow moving ghost-vehicle thingee.
The image on the screen looked promising. When the curtains parted, we were in a futuristic amusement park, and it truly felt like our little ‘coaster’ was silently rolling and lurching toward the start of the track. But something wasn’t quite right here. It was a little TOO silent. I know we’re in space and everything, but shouldn’t we be hearing SOMETHING?
“I guess the sound isn’t working.”
I said it out loud, and since it was dead silent in the room, everyone heard it. Before long the ride attendants were using an intercom to receive instructions from their boss how to ‘turn the sound back on’, and it pretty much demolished any chance of an immersive ride experience for us. However, if you ever have to experience a roller coaster that doesn’t function the way it’s designed, then I’d say this is the way to go. I’d much rather this than being stuck upside down for 2 hours or flying off the track at 75 mph. THAT would be scary. This was just … funny.
Oh yeah, baby! – This is one of the schmaltzy attractions which I remembered from last time as being the worst wax museum I had ever been to. God I was looking forward to it. I guess the fun part about this is supposed to be that we’re going to see ‘famous people’. Well, duh! What kind of a wax museum would it be if it was just a bunch of fat-ass regular citizens? That’s on display everywhere you go.
We start off with Indiana Jones, who appears to be hanging from a rope swing brought in from the ceiling like some kind of floozy from the Country Bear Jamboree. As this is right out front, it’s meant to entice passers-by into shelling out their hard earned cash for a trip inside. With that in mind, you’d think this would be one of the more accurate representations. And truthfully, when I saw this it didn’t look as bad as it does in the picture now. Check out Indy’s face! Harrison Ford? Mmmmm … I don’t think so.
Upon entering the ‘museum’ you’re treated to a series of life sized dioramas – each one depicting a famous movie or something from pop culture. Most of these are pretty brutal, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t still get my money’s worth, or have fun.
Despite being part of the exhibit, these four heads didn’t have any indication as to who they were meant to represent. Even if the rest of the wax figures lack any real resemblance to the people they’re supposed to be, at least the museum has enough pride in them to give them names. This feels like the island of misfit toys, and even though they are just wax heads, (and therefore have no soul the way I seem to think they do) I still feel compelled to add meaning to their existence by figuring out who they’re supposed to be. I’m thinking the bottom right hand one is either Burt Reynolds, or a failed Tom Selleck. The rest? I’m thinking: Brent Spiner, John Malkcovich, and maybe … the Juice?
Colin Farrell in the gayest movie ever: “Phone Booth”. Is this how the actor would really choose to be remembered? Is this his finest work? What the fuck do I care? I think Farrell’s probably a douchebag in real life anyway, so this terrible depiction is fine by me.
Here’s one where they actually did a good job … This really does look like Jack Nicholson as the Joker in the 1989 version of Batman. But don’t get your hopes up – it’s pretty much 100% downhill from here …
Next up: The Terminator, and that’s me next to Mr.T there. And if you think *I* look retarded, check out the super crappy job they did on Mr.T’s face! Yikes. Who’s in charge of quality control here?!
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the late, great, Christopher Reeve. Wow. The flash on my camera isn’t doing these wax figures any favors -- especially that dreary looking superman costume. But Reeve shot Superman II at
This is the only doll I considered taking home with me. They must have turned the lamps up extra high on this one, because her skin looked so … so … oily? Anyway, this is a mock-up of the film “Swordfish” which is best known as ‘the second to last film Halle Barry showed her breasts in.’ Too bad they didn't depict THAT scene.
And who pray-tel is this? I'm thinking: Luke Wilson? Er .. wait: Ummm …The sign says ‘Happy Gilmore’ so I guess this is supposed to be Adam Sandler? And now things are just getting ugly – Forrest Gump? “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” However I’d venture a guess that if you’re trying to make a likeness of Tom Hanks, you’re hoping it doesn’t turn out like this hideous thing.
Jim Carey? Eddie Murphy? Rambo? Yikes … And what’s with this creepy looking ET doll? This is more of ET than I ever want to see. Thank god for the precisely placed foliage on the ground!
The Darth Vader likeness is sweet, but it’s just a costume. And who’s that lurking in the background? Chewy? Well, it’s the top of his head anyway. This seems more like a disingenuous way to add Chewbacca to the bill than a sincere attempt to provide a likeness. Are we done with this place yet?
The last three figures are from Ocean’s 11 – George Clooney, Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. I can’t say that I felt even remotely like I was standing in the presence of any of these movie stars, but that’s probably a good thing in the case of Julia Roberts. I’d much prefer to hang out with a phony looking wax figure than to endure her actual company. It's also quite possible that this wax figure is a much better actress than she is.
Just before you leave the Celebrity wax museum, there’s a small room at the end of a long dark corridor. Jump in the chair and with the flick of a wall switch, you’re electrocuted! I'm not sure why they have this here, but maybe it has something to do with wanting to kill yourself after realizing you've wasted 30 minutes of your life in this place. Anyway, it’s kind of fun if you ham it up. Take a look:
The Sky Wheel is a 175 foot ferris wheel loaded with private air conditioned capsules. It offers fairly decent views of the area, and if you’re trying to close the deal on some kind of romantic weekend, this is a great place to make out. The Skywheel is a pleasant experience that’s best expressed in photos. Check them out:
I used to be pretty good at mini-golf, so I was excited about this. Mini-golf courses are often run down and kind of dodgy, but that doesn’t bother me. In fact, sometimes a run-down course holds even MORE appeal for me. With this kind of mind-set, how could I resist the fantastic space-themed glow in the dark GALAXY GOLF? This one was gonna be good stuff. I could just feel it …
I was wrong. It sucked. The holes sucked, the glow in the dark sucked, and the way 100 people followed Heather and myself in there and angrily waited while we took forever on each hole sucked. I could write another 400 words about this, but then I’d just be torturing you, and re-living the experience myself … and I have no desire to do so. Just think of the crappiest mini-golf experience you’ve ever had. Then think of something that was even worse. That’s what this was.
The last part of our package was ‘The Great Canadian Midway’ … a room full of groovy carnival games that spit out tickets when you win. You know the routine: Once you’ve finished playing, you take your tickets over to the ‘Prize Center’ where there’s a giant collection of cheap plastic crap for sale – Most of which is priced in a way that makes it unattainable, or else 15 times more expensive than it would cost anywhere else in the world. I’ll get back to this after we take a quick look at the games themselves.
To my surprise, Heather did extremely well at these. In fact, she might have had her best day ever in this arcade. She won every single game except 'Hoop Shot' – where I clearly dominated. Unfortunately for me, getting a basket on almost EVERY SHOT only amounts to 5 tickets. I guess knocking out a clown’s teeth with a rubber ball is much more difficult, as that machine vomited out a ton of tickets for Heather’s victory.
I don’t remember what this one was called, or what the fuck you were supposed to do to play it. What I *do* remember is that it took my token, and didn’t let me play. Meanwhile, Heather kicked ass yet again, and although I was secretly pissed off, I wasn’t about to go crying to some supervisor about how unfair life was. It just isn’t a good thing for a big guy like me to be seen doing this stuff. The general public should be thankful for this. After all, it isn’t just embarrassing for me, it’s embarrassing for anyone who’s unlucky enough to witness it.
We’ve all seen these bloody things: You roll 1 token into this moving mayhem with hopes that it will knock 400 more into the tray below – thereby greatly extending your playtime and ticket-earning potential. Even though I know these are a rip-off, I always end up wasting time and money on these machines. But c’mon … Look at this! There’s like, hundreds of tokens perched precariously on the unstable ledge there! Maybe THIS will be the time. THIS will be MY TIME!
But alas ... No such luck. Instead, the coins I put through the slot just rolled on top of the mess that’s already there … eagerly awaiting some individual who’s got better luck than me. Out of frustration I gave the machine a swift kick, hoping that by resorting to violence my dreams of being a midway millionaire would come to fruition. But all I got was a bruise on my foot … and I SWEAR I heard the faint sound of laughter somewhere in the distance.
With our tokens spent, and a hefty wad of tickets in our hands, it was now time to cash in and hit the wonderful prize counter. This part always amuses me. It’s hysterical how badly overpriced the big ticket items are. Clearly they are meant to entice kids to ask their parents for even MORE money, but I seriously doubt that even a child can’t figure out what a giant scam this stuff is.
Check out that Convection oven broiler. Who in their right mind is going to buy that from this place? Let’s be generous here and say Heather and I got about $10 each in tokens as part of our package deal. Even though we COMBINED our total winnings and Heather did extremely well at all of the games, we ended up with a little over 100 tickets. Stay with me here: If 100 tickets costs $20 … and the toaster oven is 8000 tickets … that means you’d have to spend $1600 in this place to buy a toaster oven that you could buy from any store for less than $100. And who is this meant to appeal to? What kid is going to buy a toaster oven anyway? Is this where kids do their Christmas shopping?
If I won the lottery, I think it’d be hilarious to come in here and spend $5000 bucks just so I could save up 27,000 tickets and pick up the TV/DVD combo from that prize counter. I’d love to see the look on everyone’s face as I finally became ‘THAT GUY’ who actually bought one of those big ticket items. Every single kid in the place would be in absolute awe of me as I traded in my enormous number of tickets for something they all wanted. Maybe THAT is what I’d be paying the extra $4800 for.
Anyway, with our tickets in hand, we hit the counter. And as usual, we were stunned at how underwhelming the prizes were. After all our hard work, we only walked away with two items: A rubber bouncy ball that Heather took to give to her cat, and an item we picked at random: a ‘Barrel O’ Slime’.
Now, I have to admit something here. I had no idea what to expect from the Barrel O’ Slime, but much to my surprise, it actually turned out to be pretty cool. When I first pried the lid off, it looked pretty much like you would expect it to. The neat part is: When you dump the slime out, it doesn’t stick to anything, and it doesn’t require any clean up of any sort. It just kind of … oozes, and it feels really disgusting in your hands. To top it off, there was an oddly shaped lump in our slime that turned out to be a very creepy looking black rubber spider – The kind where the legs jiggle and squirm all over the place.
Once you’ve had your fun, simply pick up the slime and put it back in the barrel. No mess. No fuss. (I should write a commercial for this stuff.) In all honesty, I found the slime to hold my attention for a fairly lengthy amount of time, and it’s definitely better than some of the Christmas gifts I’ve received over the years. I’m not sure it was worth $20, but who cares? It was fun.
For those who may be uninitiated to the world of modern-day haunted houses, here’s the rundown: You make your way through pitch black corridors filled with the sounds of death and murder … and live actors do their best to scare the shit out of you using cheap tactics and gruesome images. It sounds ridiculous I know, but despite the fact that you know it’s a bright sunny day outside, and that these people are ACTORS (and not ACTUAL deranged psychopaths), they usually manage to scare you shitless at least once during your terrifying trip through their domain.
My first experience with these haunted houses was at “Screemers” – a fantastic indoor scream park that’s set up for Halloween every year in
Since that time I have grown to love these ‘Haunted Houses’ and since the House of Frankenstein has been on the Niagara Falls strip long enough to be considered a ‘classic’, I wasn’t going to allow Heather’s reluctance to deprive me of this experience.
I didn’t know what I was getting into. This was going to be one to remember. For starters, I had a hell of a time just getting Heather through the front door of this place. Eventually I just grabbed her wrist and dragged her inside, but if I had known what would happen next, I might have had mercy on her. She … went … nuts.
See that picture? No, it’s not broken … That’s exactly what it was like. It was pitch dark, and this is where she started freaking out. As all masters of horror know, there’s nothing more terrifying to an audience than what they imagine themselves. And for Heather, that’s what this was. Pure terror.
In her defense, one of the things that made this seem much more frightening was the fact that we were completely ALONE in there. These things are usually somewhat crowded, and hearing other people get freaked out up ahead of you helps you to prepare for your turn. In addition, when someone else screams it makes it easier for you to keep your own fear bottled up … It’s as though they scream for you.
So yeah - I didn’t need to scream. Heather screamed FOR me. And for you. And for everyone else who goes on this ride for the next year. I’m pretty sure that the staff of ‘the House of Frankenstein’ are going to talk about that day for years to come … The day when that ‘one chick really lost it.’ If you think I’m exaggerating, try this on for size: Half way through the ride, they TURNED THE LIGHTS UP, and just left us alone. They must have understood that Heather honestly couldn’t take it any more … and they probably wanted us to just get the hell out of there.
Even though I’m sure Heather won’t be happy that I included this in the article, I just had to. The fact is, I really got my money’s worth at that Haunted House, and it’s all thanks to her. She honestly felt as though she was in a real horror movie in there -- she just couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that our lives were not in danger, and we were just inside a goofy dark room at
So that’s it for the
I’m definitely headed back here again. I need a new toaster oven.
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