Ahhh Q-bert ... At one time, he was the coolest thing ever. What was the deal with him anyway? He was essentially a furry orange blob with a big nose who jumped around changing the surfaces he landed on to different colors. What was so cool about that? Even HE didn't think it was that cool. If he did, he wouldn't have been swearing so much. Actually now that I think of it, the swearing is probably one of the things I liked about the character ... He was always cursing, which gave him an edgy quality. Edgy like the way ROBOTECH was edgy because the characters made out on screen. In other words, it doesn't mean shit now, but back then it was good stuff.

I don't really know why Q-bert was so popular, he just was. Without warning, toy companies unleashed a shitload of hideous Q-bert merchandise onto the market, and just like the hypnotized toy-craving zombies that we were, kids everywhere lapped this Q-bert shit up.
Meanwhile, Coleco was busy making little mini versions of hit arcade games to sell for a meager $5,700 apiece. (This price has been adjusted for inflation since the 80's) Pac-man, Donkey Kong, Zaxxon, Frogger ... these were just a few of the titles. This kind of shit was uber magic at that point in time. What male child didn't dream of having every one of these games lined up in their room? It would be like having a veritable miniature arcade. Anyone who remembers these things will instantly agree; posessing one automatically made you cool. It didn't really matter that the gameplay on these things often barely resembled the arcade titles they boasted. They were miniature! They were portable! They made loud electronic noises that pissed off your parents! They LOOKED like arcade machines. Christ what more could kids want back then?
So this is the story of how I acquired the handheld version of the aforementioned arcade classic. Or: How I am a super shitty friend.

Why am I a shitty friend you ask? Well, anyone who knows me also knows my parents would've never EVER bought me anything like this. As a result, I had to wheel and deal with the crap I was given to get the crap that i really wanted. In this particular case, what I had was FOUR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

Here's how it went down:

I had borrowed this thing from a buddy of mine when we were in the 6th grade, and I think he was one of those kids whose parents never fed him. As such, he would come to my house all the time and sneak food out of our kitchen whenever I wasn't looking. This would irritate the crap out of me. I mean come on, was I your friend? Or your just a guy you know who has access to food? His name was Stefan, and here's a gay picture of him:
Anyway, he asked me if he could have some cookies, and I told him no. Please bear in mind that this was about the millionth time he'd asked for food, and it probably wasn't more than 12 seconds after he entered our house. It was a routine I had gotten used to. He wanted to come over, I said yes, then while I played alone, he snuck off to the kitchen to see what was up for grabs.

So yeah, I was pissed off at him because of this. I mean, WTF? I was being used for the cookies my mom bought!

Anyway, I told him he couldn't have any cookies, at which point he began to loudly and obscenely BEG for them. I told him NO a few more times, but the guy just wasn't letting up. I finally gave him an offer which I figured he would refuse, because it was so obviously and ridiculously one-sided that no one in their right mind would accept it. I told him he could have the four cookies if I could HAVE his Q-bert game. (And I made sure he knew it in no uncertain terms - HAVE - as in: It's mine now, and not yours. I'm not just borrowing it, I'm taking legal possession etc etc etc) To my incredulousness, he accepted. I was stunned. I didn't know whether to try and talk him out of it, or just accept my good fortune. I had, after all, just come into possession of probably the most kick ass of all 'arcade at home' games that were available in the 1980's. (The other ones I played were: donkey kong, zaxxon, and pac man. All 3 of which, sucked immensely)
Oh wait, I forgot something. He didn't accept right away. He tried bargaining with me for the batteries which were inside the game. His deal: take the game, but at least let him have the batteries. They were rechargeable, and he said he needed them to power the light on his bike so he could see the road during the early hours when he delivered newspapers. Our newspaper.

I wasn't having it. I told him, nope - BATTERIES INCLUDED dude. Thinking back now, was I trying to strike out against the whole "Batteries Not Included" mantra all children of the eighties faced? Either way, I know my stubbornness was also motivated by trying to get him to save face, to not make himself look desperate, and not make me look evil. Come on man, even a child shouldn't accept such a bad deal. Doesn't everyone always know BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED? I thought that aspect alone should be enough to make him break off these absurd negotiations for cookies. They weren't even Oreos or anything. Just the standard crappy bulk cookies my mom used to get at the supermarket.

But no, he must have really wanted those stupid cookies because he caved and accepted my original offer. Me? I couldn't care less! I didn't have to buy the stupid cookies, my mom did that every week. Me paying him in cookies for his Q-bert game was like me getting it for nothing, because for fucks sakes - THEY WERE COOKIES.
So I handed over the cookies, and he scarfed them down in about 15 seconds. That's right, in 15 seconds all four were gone - presumably providing him with one moment of unequivocal bliss - where those cookies were HIS and he KNEW no one could take them away from him. And me? I had Qbert for life - complete with rechargeable batteries.
The game? Well ... come on man, it's fucking Q-bert. I mean, it's kind of retarded, but it's kind of cool. But I don't feel like explaining this crap to you right now. Suffice it to say that if you've played Qbert before, this one is just as good. It has all the levels, balls, Coily, and the annoying green dude who would change your squares back after you had already gone to all the trouble of changing them in the first place. You also get to see the marvelous 1980's engineering feat of cramming a shitload of led's onto the screen - even a cool red one that flashed 'GAME OVER' after you lost all your Qberts. The game even has a 'mute' switch so you can play it in your room after your parents asked you to go to bed and they wouldn't hear the constant and super annoying beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beeep, bup, beep bup, bepbupb. (You get the idea) Also, this thing is fairly durable. I'm pretty sure I probably used it for a football at one point, but it still works - pretty much as good as the day it was taken out of the box by my gullible and cookie-less friend.
PRESS PLAY TO SEE ME PWN THE FIRST LEVEL OF Q-BERT!!
Are you inspired? Do you want your own? I bet it's available on ebay if you look long enough. However I'm fairly certain any sellers are asking a lot more than 4 cookies for it. Hell, I bet 4 cookies doesn't even cover the handling charge, let alone the shipping and the cost of the unit itself. You'll probably NEVER get a deal like I got ... After all, I didn't just get the game itself for those cookies, I also got to humiliate my buddy pretty badly ... and wield my 10 year old power over him. He was my bitch. And so was Q-bert from that point on.

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