1979's STOP THIEF by Parker Brothers is a board game so good, it's almost like a video game ... but with a board ... and little plastic detectives ... and groovy artwork ... and THE ELECTRONIC CRIME SCANNER. I don't know about you, but I'm crapping my pants already!!

Man, when I was little, I seriously thought this game was the shit. Even though a ten year old is probably ill equipped to grasp the necessary focus required to play the game as intended, it's easy to see why kids everywhere bugged the shit out of their parents to buy this. After all, who didn't want to be a private detective? Come on! Tracking down kleptomaniacs with a funky electronic hand held device that made all kinds of cool sounds? It was like hanging out with fucking R2-D2. A crime solving R2-D2. How could you go wrong?
The game itself is sort of a cross between Clue, and Battleship. Basically, the aforementioned electronic gizmo controls where the thief goes, and even though you can't actually see him, you're assigned the task of tracking him down. Using your powers of deduction, memory, and a little luck, a player could determine exactly where the thief was hiding out ... Then all you had to do was beat all of your colleagues to that location, program the CRIME SCANNER with the appropriate information, and send in the cops to arrest his thieving ass.

Does this sound complicated? WELL, IT IS. Christ I spent half of the night explaining the rules to my friends, a fact that annoyed the crap out of them. Oh well .. I'm pretty sure the $40 worth of free booze I offered up was the real reason they showed up anyway. That AND the fact that they are all super nice people who took pity on me and sacrificed their Friday night to play a 28 year old super-nerdy board game. So without further ado:
KRISTI -- Occupation: Video Editor / Sweetie
Ahh Kristi ... Cute isn't she? Well, she's not just a pretty face ... In addition to being a very talented video editor, she also happens to be one of the nicest, friendliest, most open-minded people you're likely to meet in your pathetic life. And I'm not just saying that either. This is one sweet girl ladies and gents. This, however, does not necessarily mean she will amount to much of a detective.
SEAN -- Occupation: Scientist / Hockey player
Sean is Kristi's boyfriend ... and one smart guy. At the outset of the game, Sean was the most unwilling participant and outright skeptic of my nostalgic choice of 1970's entertainment. However as the night went on, he seemed to gain respect for this game ... and as such, a place in my heart forever. Though he initially challenged everything that he could about this experience, he became a determined and willing detective by night's end.
DAN -- Occupation: Editor / Human Sports almanac
Dan is basically one of the nicest and most patient people you'll ever meet. I know this is true, because he's an old roommate of mine, and by definition that means you have to be NICE and PATIENT. Dan is the one whom I felt sorry for throughout the night, because he could NOT take part in the free booze I provided due to an early work appointment he had the next morning. It's funny though - because Dan ended up winning the game - even though he was clearly the least interested in it. Screw you Dan.
TIM -- Occupation: Editor / Hard core WOW gamer
Tim is always good to have around, because the guy is basically just so damned likeable. When I hang out with Tim, I can act like a total JERK to everyone within fifty feet and nobody will even notice. Instead they're all too busy thinking: "Hey ... that guy Tim is pretty cool." Also, Tim is another friend of mine who was born with an extra truckload of patience, which is ideal for me in two ways: First - He can stand to be around me. And B) it comes in handy when having to explain the rules to a stupid board game over and over and over.
This electronic gizmo is the heart and soul of what makes STOP THIEF a great game. It looks like some kind of 70's style walkie talkie ... only even cooler because it also has a digital readout. This may seem like no big deal by today's standards, but you need to understand something here. Back in 1979, ANYTHING that had a digital readout on it fucking owned. Kids beat the shit out of each other on the schoolyard because they were jealous of those rich pricks who had those new fangled 'digital watches'. But that's not all the CRIME SCANNER had to offer! There was also a multitude of funky electronic sounds this thing emitted - each of which was meant to emulate the kind of stuff you might hear when a real life criminal is in the process of ripping you off! How cool is that?
Pressing the clue button would give the thief a chance to move, which would play one of the following sounds:
FOOTSTEPS -- The thief is skulking around on the floor of the building.
WINDOW BREAK -- The thief dives through a window.
RUNNING ON THE STREET -- The thief sprints down the street at top speed.
RIDING THE SUBWAY -- The thief catches a lift on the subway.
CREAKING DOOR -- The thief slowly creeps through a noisy door.
CRIME / ALARM -- The thief has committed a crime.
MAKING AN ARREST -- Now comes the juicy orgasmic part - You get to send in the SWAT TEAM! The cops arrive on the scene, they FIRE SHOTS, and finally, THEY HAUL HIS DYING BLOODY CARCASS OFF TO THE HOSPITAL !!**
** Well okay, according to the instruction manual, the cops just take him back to the police station. But come on - it's way more fun to pretend that they KILLED the motherfucker. Besides, after spending a shitload of time tracking this annoying invisible thief all over hell's half acre and back, you want him DEAD ... not just put in jail. Stupid goddamned invisible asshole.
With a little imagination, this game provides a fairly nifty little scenario. The neighborhood depicted on the board provides an appropriate feeling - a gritty, urban one, where criminals run rampant. Each player chooses from one of several detective "licences", helping to complete your new image as a rogue-ish private eye who's out for fortune and glory. In addition, the game provides miniature 'wanted' posters which depict the personality of the game's villains, complete with hideous pun-infected names. The thief at large is then placed next to the board along with a wad of reward money, and each time he or she commits another crime without being captured, more cash is piled on. It may not sound like much when you read it here, but this is the kind of detail that adds flavour and style to a game. Also, it gave the kiddies something to enjoy when faced with the prospect of not having the slightest fucking idea where the criminal was at any one time. It put a face on your enemy. Look at him .... Look at how retarded he is! I'm sure I can catch him! Fucking LUKE WARM! FUCK YOU LUKE WARM!!!
There are a few random elements thrown in to make the game more interesting. For example: the thief will occasionally jump through a window, which your detective cannot do. Also, he sometimes evades the police. That's right, even though you spent all your hard-earned cash on tips, tracked the cocksucker down, pulled off a sweet roll of the dice, AND sent the cops to the correct location, the DAMN THIEF STILL GETS AWAY SOMETIMES.
There are also "Sleuth Cards" which offer you and your fellow crimestoppers the ability to move around the board faster, purchase "tips" that will indicate the thief's current location, and even STEAL money from each other! WTF?? Isn't this game called "Stop thief"?? It seems your detectives are not really interested in justice here -- they're just out to catch the criminal and collect the reward. It's ironic that a game which challenges you to track down a crook also prompts you to steal from your colleagues! So here's my question: Who's stopping THESE thieves?!? Actually, now that I think about it, I'm okay with it ... After all, there's nothing more fun than sticking it to your buddies ... especially when everyone gangs up on whoever's winning. You hear that Sean? YOU HEAR THAT?!?
After we got the hang of it, the game moved along a little more smoothly ... and then it was rather amusing to imagine the thief scurrying around while our detectives zeroed in on his location ... each of us trying to out-wit the other in order to claim the bounty. I particularly got a kick out the way I used my ACTUAL REAL-LIFE detective skills to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat on one of my arrests. You see, I had been distracted by various events, such as using the bathroom, grabbing some more beer for my fellow detectives, and finding some music to put on that wasn't sung by the Monkees. Upon returning to the game, I found Sean and Kristi pontificating about which of the two of them was going to nail this particular thief ... who had been hiding out in a jewelry store. Indeed - A quick look at the board indicated that their two detectives were hot in his trail, unlike everyone else's which were halfway across the city. Confident of his forthcoming victory, Sean kept repeating: "There's only one place he could be, and it's right there." But Sean isn't a dumbass ... No sir-ee. In fact, I'd bet that Sean is probably at least twice as smart as I am. It's just that I'm sneaky. I'm very, very sneaky.
It was my turn next, and as I said before, my detective was clear across the board. Sean knew that even if I rolled double sixes I had NO CHANCE of getting in position to call in an arrest before he did, and as such, he was able to subtly taunt me by telling me exactly where the thief was. Now I had him!!! With sweat dripping from my brow, I whipped out my "move anywhere" sleuth card, and promptly arrested the bastard, even though only seconds beforehand I hadn't the vaguest idea of where the crook was hiding out.

Man, that seemed wayyyy more exciting when it happened than when I wrote it here. I think I seriously need a vacation. Time to finish this article off ....
I gotta say, this game holds up fairly well ... especially considering it's 28 years old!! However it isn't perfect by any means -- just ask my friend Dan here:
Yes, the game can be a little slow at first ... especially when no one knows what the fuck is going on, and one person has to continuously explain the highly confusing rules over and over again. However as long as there is sufficient beer and weed present, this won't be as much of a problem. For example: Instead of "Stop Thief", try: "Wasted Thief"!! -- take a swig every time he breaks a window! Or, take a toke every time he rides the subway! Looking to get randy with your fellow detectives? How about "Strip Thief"? Lose an article of clothing every time you make a false arrest! The other ideas we came up with were: Imagine the board as an ACTUAL crime infested area you're familiar with! (Tim's neighborhood) You could even imagine you're a bunch of Autobots, and you're tracking down Starscream's ghost as he raids stockpiles of energon in the shitty third season of the Transformers!!

Okay, I came up with that one on my own. Fuck I'm a loser.

Anyway, I suppose one of the drawbacks of the game is the fact that it's extremely easy to miss some of the sound clues -- especially if you're going to have any kind of fun socializing while playing. Even if you miss only one clue the thief can quite easily throw you off of his tail, resulting in a false arrest and a loss of some hard-earned cash. Our dear friend Kristi experienced this on several occasions. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the night the electronic cops who live inside the crime scanner were pretty much refusing to go to any location she reported the thief at. So Kristi didn't end up being the greatest detective ... But her heart was in it ... and she got pretty close a couple of times.
In the end Dan ended up winning the game, which was a relief for me, because he seemed really irritated by it right from the beginning. He kept repeating: "I'm tired." and trying to start conversations about things that were completely non-board game related. But ya gotta love the guy - After he won, he announced that his character used his winnings to buy a big house in Maui and retire there. The part I liked best was when he said it was big enough for me to move in if I wanted to.
All in all, it was a pretty fun night. I had figured we would only play one or two rounds, and I had even thought up some alternate plans in case the game was a total bust. But in the end, everyone kind of got into it, and we actually played it for pretty much the whole night. Also, each of my friends remarked at how the game was much better than they thought it would be, and everyone (except Dan) said they'd even play it again. And what's more impressive: I actually believe them! I bet I could even get Dan to play it again ... as long as I can entice some super-hot, gorgeous woman over here to play it with us ....

So yeah, Dan's probably never going to play this game again.

If you're into nostalgia, or groovy old 70's style board games, or you just like good old fashioned cops and robbers, I highly recommend this game. I bought mine at a Value Village for $10 years ago, but it's still on Ebay for roughly the same price. Just make sure the crime scanner works, because if it doesn't, there's no way to play this game. All of the other pieces could easily be substituted using materials from other board games.

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