The first time I ever saw a Transformer in real life was at my friend's house when I was a kid. His name was Mark and he had Skywarp - one of ol' Meggy's earliest minions ... Skywarp could teleport, and his stats indicated that he was a smartass ... Just exactly what I aspired to be in the 4th grade. I instantly wanted one ... Besides, I was already a regular worshipper at the alter of GI JOE, and this being from the same animation and toy company ... Well, things just felt right. I suppose you could say I was pretty much a Hasbro toy victim at that age. I seem to recall automatically asking my parents for pretty much everything they advertised during these two shows. Skittles, fruit roll-ups, the sunshine bakerman cookies ... whatever they served up, I was wanting it ... Badly.
Ok ... So the show was pretty cool ( Especially the first few episodes ) or the first season or whatever. But recently, I happened to come across an episode from season 2.1 ... one that had cemented itself firmly into the middle of my 4th grade afternoon memories ...

This was no 'regular' transformers episode ... This was like, ... like Transformers mixed with Lord of the Rings? ... Camelot? King Arthur?
Ok ... so I guess it was King Arthur ... But frankly, at that age, all of that wizard and knight shit didn't really interest me. Pretty much anything of this nature was considered to be 'old fashioned' at the time.

This one had horses, and a wizard ... that's about as far into this crap as I wanted to go anyway. As far as I was concerned, life in medieval times would've sucked ... Actually, ANY point in time where they didn't have Commodore 64 games was bad news from my standpoint ... so why would I want to imagine what the battles between boring-assed 'knights' were like?
We open the episode with a few Decepticon cronies looking spent. The sounds of battle are all around, and by this point in the season (this is the last episode of season 2.1) Many things have happened in the Decepticon world. Megatron's been at it for a while now, and Optimus Prime keeps beating him at every turn. The other Decepticons were probably getting pissed off about the ridiculously stupid schemes cooked up by Megatron, and were probably still involved in the ongoing war just to go around and kick ass every once in a while ... Or else just because they liked living in their super-groovy underwater headquarters.
Hey !! Looks like Rumble found a doorway somewhere near some Rocky structure thingees. I think this particular battle was supposed to be occurring near STONEHENGE, and that's how it's supposed to tie in to the whole 'king arthur's court' crap. I'm left wondering what Megatron could be going after within the stonehenge area ...?? Maybe he was just bored with kidnapping scientists?
POW! The next thing you know, you're back in Medieval times. No, not the restaurant, (although that can be good for a laugh.) But yes -- those menacing Decepticon douchebags were going to have a chance to experience what earth was like during the 4th century ... Long before the autobots' cruiser had awakened that fateful day by the volcanic eruption.
Ramjet makes short work of the local thugs with barely any effort ... So this is pretty much laying the groundwork for any power hungry dude like Starscream to want to come in and take over. By this time, he's gotta be pretty desperate to lead no matter what.
Yipee ... the Autobots follow the bad guys back in time ... Well, a couple of the most annoying ones do anyway. Warpath is one of those slightly more obscure autobots ... It's really too bad about him, because while you'd think he'd be cool, ya know, being a tank and all, but he actually talks BANG! in the most annoying ZOWIE! way of all time! -- Because he constantly ZOOM! interrupts his sentences with POW! pointless superlatives.

Click HERE to listen to the idiotic Autobot tank speak!

The other one? Hoist. Fucking Hoist ... It's no wonder the Decepticons were pissed off at Megatron by now. If they couldn't even manage to permanently deactivate a useless dumbass like fucking Hoist, then maybe it really WAS time to throw in the towel. I mean, hoist was a fucking TOW TRUCK kids. Not a city, not a jet, not even a nice car. A fucking tow truck. He was probably raised in the autobot equivalent of a trailer park.
Well I'll be ... Spike has also journeyed back in time. Jeez, doesn't it seem like Warpath and Hoist are behaving pretty irresponsibly here? I mean, isn't it a little bit dangerous to have Spike along? What would his parents say? Anyone here worried about the space time continuem? No ?? Mind you now that I think about it, despite being vastly superior machines, the autobots never seem to be able to do too much without Spike ...

For those who are truly hard core: Ya gotta wonder what Carly would think about Spike kissing this girl's hand. I mean, Carly has saved Spike's and the Autobot's asses a few times by now ... in addition to being on several dates with Spike! In fact, I think they were together in the last episode even!! Who the fuck does Spike think he is all of a sudden acting like he didn't even have a girlfriend? Furthermore, what did this new girl have that Carly didn't? (besides a low cut top) Well, I guess you can't blame him too much ... After all -- if he IS stuck in medieval times for some reason, might as well get started on taking care of the booty situation right away. Besides, what happens on the road - stays on the road right?
The girl doesn't even remark about Hoist transforming into a tow truck, the likes of which she should have never seen before. And you'd think that Spike might have to explain what the fuck a tow truck is, let alone why he's hanging out with one in the first place ... But this chickee doesn't miss a beat ... she just climbs right in like she's completely at home riding around in redneck vehicles. Can you say ... Slut!?!
Ramjet and Rumble finally show up to mix it up with the nerdy autobots .... For some inexplicable reason, they've allied themselves with an evil human prince. I guess they figure that it couldn't be too much worse than following Starscream's orders... But that's not nearly as absurd as what their next decision is:
You know, you gotta hand it to these two for taking some time try out some historical earth culture. I mean, they COULD just go over to the humans and beat the shit out of them, but why not get into the spirit of things a little? I mean, these guys have duked it out with the autobots for eons and eons ... and nothing has worked. I guess trying something new couldn't hurt at this stage ... Who knows? Maybe Rumble will get lucky and catch the autobots off guard? ... Maybe Warpath and Hoist will be so stupefied by this tactic that the decepticons will finally get the better of them? ...Worth a shot?
Oh for the love of God ... As you can see by their response to Rumble and Ramjet's brilliant strategy, it appears the autobots are just as stupid as the decepticons. Don't get me wrong -- it's nice that they have decided to help their human friends ... But couldn't they use their brains a little bit? By the way, this shot fully shows the extent of Hoist's ability to help. He fucking lifts the knight up on to the tank with his shitty tow truck winch. Thanks for coming out moron. Next time maybe you can actually fight the decepticons off yourself instead of just helping a human character climb into the danger seat.
Wow ... Rumble must be pretty fucking useless if he got beat by a human. He takes it in stride though ... He was always one of the cooler decepticons. I bet he smokes reefers ... He just has the personality for it.
Finally, Starscream gets serious. He grabs the wench and demands the autobots and their friends surrender their kingdom to him, or they'll never see their daughter again. Moments like these make you realize that Starscream IS a fairly effective adversary. I mean, this is a solid tactic that is more than likely going to get some results. If the king had any common sense, he'd realize that his daughter was in deep shit ... and his best chance for getting her back lies with the fact that poor Starscream's luck is always about as bad as it could possibly get.
Haha ... Spike feels bad about losing the girl. Well, you should! Fucking Starscream took her away dude ... there's no telling what that psycho will do to her. This moment also serves to illustrate how lame Warpath is. Hoist is whining off camera about how he needs Warpath's help for something. I can't imagine what -- This is the 4th century, so there are no cars to tow around ... So why can't you handle whatever lame problem you have on your own Hoist? Geez. Anyway, Warpath tells spike: "I gotta go see what Hoist wants. But if you wanna, go ahead and try rescuing the girl on your own. Just make sure you leave some Decepticons for me." Again I'm thinking, what would Spike's dad think? Thanks a lot Warpath ... You're encouraging Spike to take on the decepticons alone? Leave Hoist to rot, grow a fucking backbone, and help Spike for fuck's sakes.