So Spike goes after the girl on his own ... Too bad for him, considering what transpires in the meantime. The Black knight, (who had allied himself with Starscream) has realized the error of his ways, and has come to apologize to the princess ... and offer his help. This princess sure is fickle, because in a mere matter of seconds, she goes from absolutely despising the black knight to having a kinky make out session with him. In fact, she informs Spike that she doesn't need to get rescued from someone who she's just agreed to marry. Marry? You hated this guy 30 seconds ago! I mean MAYBE I can understand forgiving his shitty behavior ... I can even go as far as accepting the fact that you've decided to date him ... but to fucking marry the guy? I don't know Spike ... you're probably better off with Carly anyway.

I think I can understand Spike's reaction though. I mean here's a kid who figures he was pretty close to scoring with a princess at this point ... and now he's forced to realize that he's failed to do so. Maybe the animators at Sunbow are trying to send a message to pre-teenaged boys: Get ready for failure when it comes to girls. If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with ... etc etc etc. Wait - am I projecting my own life onto this cartoon?
Meanwhile, back at the decepticon's castle, Starscream is cooking up a plan. Since there is no energon available, the autobots and decepticons have lost the ability to fire their weapons, and must instead make do with whatever's available in 4th century England. Starscream's on the motherfucker though. He's had Ramjet burning shit down to make charcoal, and Rumble out getting sulphur and potassium nitrate. Do you know where we're going with this kids? Guess what the all that shit makes:

GUNPOWDER!!!

Ok ... I gotta stop and ask a question here. From watching these Transformers episodes, I've noticed that GUNS are often the solution to pretty much any problem in this universe. Indeed, at the climax of most episodes, Optimus prime yells "FIRE!" and the Autobots basically blast away at the Decepticons to save the day. I can understand Megatron being a gun happy freak ... because well, he IS a gun. But shouldn't Prime be able to come up with a non violent solution to a problem every once in a while? Furthermore: What's the deal with the animators at Sunbow? Are they all active NRA members or what? GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
Ok ... So now, the entire red knight army begins their assault on Starscream's castle. They're not alone though ... They've got Warpath, and Hoist. Fucking Hoist ... What the fuck is a tow truck going to do in the middle of a fight between knights mounted on horses? It seems as though he's just as useless in the distant past as he was back at autobot headquarters.
Luckily for the humans, Hoist clumsily falls across the moat ... providing them with a way across ... And even warpath realizes that Hoist can't do fuck all ... so he uses him for a stepladder to get into the castle.
Meanwhile, Starscream's actually got his shit together, and is (for the moment) kicking ass. He has his human slaves fire salvo after salvo of gunpowder bombs toward the advancing red knight's army.
Starscream manages to take out their siege tower ... Which begs the question: How are the knights going to get inside the walls of the castle? Anyone got a step ladder? No? Where's the useless tow truck robot?
Well, I guess Hoist's contribution isn't totally worthless ... although it's pretty borderline. Starscream was smart enough to recharge himself and the other decepticons ... but it appears that Hoist and Warpath are completely out of energy, and are therefore nullified as adversaries. But what's that in the background?
A wizard shows up, and calls down upon the gods to use their magic to re-energize the autobots. Leading me to my favorite line in the episode, and one that stuck with me from when I first saw it as a child many many years ago. Starscream stands on top of the castle and yells:

"FOOLISH HUMAN! MAGIC CAN NEVER DEFEAT SCIENCE!!"
Inexplicably, the wizard uses his staff to call down a lightning strike, and re-energize the autobots.
With their newly energized bodies, the autobots storm the castle and Hoist uses his elite towtruck skillz to finish off the weakend decepticons. Ok, so Hoist pulls a trick out of his ass at the end ... but as far as I'm concerned, the real hero of the day is the Wizard -- It ain't Hoist ... It CAN'T be Hoist you got that?! IT JUST CAN'T BE ALRIGHT?
Loose ends you say? How are the Autonerds and Decepticons going to get back home? Do not fear, autobewbs ...Mr.Wizard has an answer ready for everything ... It seems that the mound they originally arrived at was actually a TIME MACHINE that ol' wizzy had constructed. Trouble was, a Dragon moved in shortly after and made it his home. So how are they gonna deal with this ...? Any guesses??
I know at least 1 person out there MUST have guessed it.

GUNPOWDER!

Ol' Wizzy even rattles off the recipe AGAIN to make sure that all the 4th and 5th grade boys get it for the second time during this episode! Look! He's even counting the ingredients off on his fingers!! ARE YOU READY KIDS? HERE WE GO:
SULPHUR !!

ROCK SALT !!

POTASSIUM NITRATE !! - (BIRD POO)

CHARCOAL !!

Now, don't ever let anyone say that you won't learn anything watching a show like "the Transformers". Man, the NRA had to have a hand in financing this episode. Had to. Tune in next week to see how to make your own bullets!
And look at the way the Autoboobs are congratulating each other about this! Way to go Whizzy!!! You invented Gunpowder and saved the day!! GUNPOWDER SAVES THE DAY KIDS, GUNPOWDER. REMEMBER THAT.
With everyone back through the tunnel, I am seriously hoping things will get back to normal. Please god -- No more medieval knight shit. Mercifully, the last little sequence includes Megatron being pissed off at Starscream for ruining everything. Ahhh ... That's the Transformers I know and fell in love with!!
It's strange though -- Even though I remember thinking this was a dumb episode, it's actually proved itself to be quite memorable after all these years ... For whatever reason, I've always remembered that line of Starscream's: MAGIC CAN NEVER DEFEAT SCIENCE!! Heh, maybe the brainwashers at Hasbro got things fouled up - perhaps I was supposed to always remember the recipe for gunpowder?!?

More reviews of bizarre Transformers episodes to come!

Comments? Email me: groomej@hotmail.com